In The Mean Time....

On this side of Heaven....

This Series is about my journey, my truths, experiences and how I went from victim to VICTORIOUS!!!

I can’t believe that I am about to bare it all.

In these next few articles I will be sharing my journey baby I am struggling. We all are struggling in our own way. I am at a major crossroads again but this time I am really AWAKE. I sit here and read so many peoples journey daily, I get inspired filled with help yet I feel stuck. A creative, an artist, an author and I am too afraid to go threw with any of my ideas. Why….the same reason I didn’t go to the high school and college of my dreams, listening to other folk. Sad thing about it it was mostly family. I love all of my family on both sides but I had to realize they all have a place. Majority rules so majority are not a part of my everyday life. Besides my eight year old daughter I am truly alone.

The Sacrifice….

Almost two years ago I packed up everything I considered valuable and moved back into my family home. I know reside with my Dad my aunts (his two sister’s) and my daughter. I still haven't adjusted to this life. I had to leave I could no longer afford to do it all alone. Pay the rent and other bills, medication, doctor’s, dentist and random ER visits, groceries, the basic necessities. The sad part about it is my child’s father made a mockery of my financial situation. He barely helped me move into the apartment four years prior, and I damn near had to beg him when it was time to move out. He laughed and said aren’t they evicting you which wasn’t the case. In my mind I'm saying if I am getting evicted so is your child. He should've been ashamed that still six years later not only can he provide a place for my daughter. He still can’t or chooses not to provide her basic needs. I learned from watching my mother and grandmothers , mothers always have to make the sacrifice. A few years before my mother’s passed she said to me, don’t end up like me! Being that she and I was connected on a whole different level I knew exactly what she meant. Even after her and my Dad seperated she still loved and would do anything for him. She saw that in me due to my past and present situation with men. That just meant don’t be sitting around wasting your years on these piece of shit men. I did it anyway until my body said enough is enough.

God Was Trying To Tell Me Something…..

I ignored all the red flags and warning signs from the beginning, us women just want to be loved. Not realizing that what we think is love is bullshit disguised as love. When we meet these dudes we meet their “representative”. Than before you know their true colors start to show. I didn’t want to see that he just wasn’t into me anyway. I fed his ego and that was my only purpose. He didn’t have anything when I got with him but a dead end job and he still doesn’t have shit. I remember it being a few weeks after moving back home, I finally called it quits with him. This time it was for good. Under normal circumstances I would have been back but my body and soul was tired. Tired of being with someone that has absolutely no respect for me, doesn't really care about me. I think back to a previous conversation with one of his friends I should've left then. His friend had nothing to gain by revealing that he stated to him that sometimes he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He wants to date someone else and continue creating his family, WITHOUT ME. The one who was by his side for almost 9 years, encouraging him to reach for his goals. Become his own boss by creating certain businesses since it seemed like he was allergic to working for others. Helping in anyway that I can that wasn’t good enough nor was I. Because I know it’s more to life than getting drunk and high everyday, something was wrong with me. Yes it was my dumbass should've been left. The moment I said I can’t do this anymore that pain has been in my gut for the last almost four years GONE. Of course he had a selfish response as usual. I knew this was coming because you stopped being there for me. In my head I'm like here we go with the selfish BS again, everything is always about you. Meanwhile after my cousin and great Aunt passed he wasn’t there, than my mom was slowly dying than she passed and where was he? At home or shall I say His Mama’s house with his friends drinking as usual.

I’m At A Crossroads All Over Again….

Every year before my birthday I go through this but honestly speaking I am still trying to find myself again. I truly lost myself in this situaionship and I want the old me back. The confident me the one that wasn’t so depressed had some life inside these empty eyes. I didn't recognize myself when I looked into the mirror. The woman staring back at me looked aged, scared and bitter. I lost so much weight without trying, I remember prior to this last break up he looked so happy when he said yeah I can see your depressed. I Had to realize the harsh truth that he served his purpose in my life. He should have been gone long time ago. His only purpose in my life was to help create my beautiful daughter, that’s it that’s all. Do I hate him not anymore. I am at the phase where I am holding myself accountable. Because I wore out my welcome, yet I had to come to the sad realization that I was NEVER really welcomed at all. I remember coming home one day when we all resided at his mother’s house, hes sitting on the bed crying they said I don’t deserve. Although I agreed with that statement I still comforted him. I wanted to know exactly who said it. Once he said it was one of his family members, I figured it out. I just never revealed to him that I did. Yet and still nothing made him wake up.

God Helps Those Who Help Themselves….

I had enough from the time I got with him every BS job he had someone got it for him. Now my Brother in law vouches for him at his job, a decent city position and trying to be someone he’s not he lost it. I mean every time this dude thought he leveled up he gave me more and more of his ass to kiss, yet what did he really do for his child?

God Don’t Like Ugly

My Mama use to say he don’t care that much about pretty either. He was the cause of him catching this charge and they expected me to inform his job. Meanwhile we all worked for the same company just different positions. I kindly told his mom you need to call and let them know what's going on because I am not putting my job in jeopardy. I don’t really remember what happened, nor do I really care. He doesn’t understand, well now he see’s just how good he had it. Went back to his work location I believe three times after being escorted off the premises and told NOT to return. He is seeing just what it feels like, mind you his bestie is now working.

At The Moment….

I am working on healing. Not just from that situation everything that caused me harm along the way. Regulating my nervous system so I am not always in survival mode. Learning different techniques to help with my anxiety, ADHD and procrastination. Budgeting and investing just trying to figure it out. Honestly speaking I want to live abroad and teach from there. I want to be able to provide a better, healthier life for my daughter. Part of me is trying to figure out how I can retire early and a plan to have stable remote work overseas. While healing, grieving, mothering and trying to complete my first book. I will get there I will do it all by God’s Grace and mercy.